Thursday, August 18, 2016

affiliation

I didn't have friends in middle and high school. Did I? One or two, but not past that. I was heavily bullied. I remember crying over McDonald's commercials that showed a group of friends hanging out. 

I did survive, I did get older, and I did fill that gap, thanks to the queer and punk scenes. I don't think I am able to consider myself popular, but I suspect that I am, at this point. But of course that kind of misery left scars (a few literal). 

Being part of a crew makes me a happy man. A contented man. Nothing makes me feel safer and more centered then being able to reach out and put my hand on a friend's shoulder, slap someone's back, touch elbows. Pull someone into a hug for no reason at all. Ruffle hair, bump knuckles, all those little physical ticks that help define us as a group. I love having a shared anthem, a song that gets us all up shouting with our fists in the air. 

That gang dynamic helps shut down that little voice that is still, decades later, whispering the back of my head that it's all a joke. That my friends are lying to me and will turn on me someday and point and ask how I could ever think it was anything but a prank. The damage remains, but it doesn't run me. I have my people. 

8 comments:

  1. There's nothing like belonging to something and feeling the unity of that, especially that secret language of the little winks and knuckles and meaningful hugs.

    I wish all bullies could get bullied so they could see the other side of the coin.

    "Our gang" days are precious, I hope they last for you till you're all so old you can't remember each others names.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I look at my nephews and nieces and just hope it's better for them.

      Delete
  2. My worst time was in elementary school. Looking back I can see that I was bullied horribly and I felt simply hated every day. It was a bad time and if there had been anything I could have done to prevent any of my children from going through that, I would have. Because it's horrible and the effects never do quite go away.
    I'm so sorry, baby. But please know that you are beloved now. Not just by family which, of course! But by a legion of friends. And even, yes, admirers. So there is that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know that there was much that could have been done at the time. I don't remember talking about it much.

      Delete
  3. I love your family. Maggi

    ReplyDelete
  4. I finally got to your blog and read every single post. But minding want to be that guy that comments on every post at one time. So I'll save you from that.

    We have similar feelings about middle school and high school. Not the same exact experiences or reasons for being targeted but I can at least empathize with the struggle. We are all outliers of society that found a family under the streetlights. You are a good friend; you are my brother. I am glad we came into each other's life and glad we stayed. Family for life.

    ReplyDelete