Here, have a few:
1. Looking for a pleasingly plump guy who likes to dance, eat ants, and not wear pants? I don’t make much money – okay, I don’t make any money – but I manage to get my needs met. Seeking laid-back love to take a float with me down this river we call life.
2. I give and give and what do they call me? A witch. Well even a villain needs love. Big, beautiful woman with intense hair looking for a seaworthy mate. Must like eels. John Waters movie and chill?
3. Short guy fed up with too many goddamn roommates in search of a woman who can cook, clean, and sooth my angry soul. I’m pretty sure there’s a sweet core deep inside me, but it’ll take someone pretty fucking special to crack my asshole exterior. Whatever, screw it, no one will respond. Never mind, this is just pissing me off.
4. Look, you may not be a furry, but you know you always thought I was cute. Dashing outlaw type needs partner in crime for night time rescues and good natured class warfare. Love a girl in a wimple.
So that's what I do to keep the lights on. I don't blame you for being jealous.
Shit! I just heard a crash from the kitchen, but Johnny is sitting next to me licking between his toes. Ghosts.
[1. Baloo 2. Ursula 3. Grumpy 4. Robin Hood]